I'm Starting With the (Wo)Man in the Mirror

I spent a lot of time trying to be what people told me I should be.  Don’t get me wrong – they were all my decisions, I just based my choices on what other people said was right, not what I truly thought was right.  I went to a very conservative college where there was an expectation for women to behave, and dress, and socialize in a very specific manner.  Now, I am not saying those beliefs are wrong.  What I am saying is that while I was there, I didn’t understand how to decipher who I was from who I was expected to be. 

I remember one cold December day…  I have to kinda set this up, so bare with me…  The campus had a sidewalk path that circled the main building and led to the other building on campus.  I was on one side and a friend of mine was on the other side.  He hollered across great divide to me, asking about when I was going home for Christmas Break, when I was coming back, if I would deliver some presents to his family back home (we were from the same state).  We were loud, goofy people so we were bantering back and forth, joking around and still a good distance apart.  We were the only people outside at the time.  Everyone else was inside enjoying warmth and dinner.  In the middle of our conversation the Dean of Women came out of the administration building.  She heard us, and immediately I knew I was going to hear about it… Long story somewhat shorter, I was summoned to the Dean’s office the next day.  I got the lecture about how a lady behaves and shouldn’t through herself at a young man.  She assumed I was hot for the guy and trying to hold his attention in any way I could.  She also let me know that I was never going to marry him because of how lacking I was, however he was no prize and I needed to save myself for some one better then him (talk about mixed messages!).  For the record – he was “secretly” seeing some one – not me – and I was not interested.

Anyway, at that time, I took it all really hard.  I was trying so hard to fit into the mold that I was told I needed to be.  At that time, I wanted to find myself a husband that I could be worthy of.  I didn’t think I was worthy of anyone the way I was.  SO I tried to be someone else.  I was completely miserable.  I had a few really good friends, and few people that I could be myself with but for the most part, I spent my time trying to be a clone of the women they told me were excellent examples.

Now, all of that said… when I left that college, my heart was broken.  My spirit was crushed.  I had decided that I wasn’t going back, but didn’t know what to do with myself at that point.  The plan was to go to another similar school (I know right?!)  but because of health issued, I couldn’t go.  So I kept doing what I was doing.  Until, I realized the people I was working so hard to be like were not the people they said they were.  I mean, I know perfection isn’t attainable (although I am getting close ;)) I was so conflicted that I ran away.  Not the most mature thing ever – I know, but still.  I found a job far enough away that I wasn’t expected back. 

It’s taken me a long time to even be able to address this uneasy and the insanity I feel about that time in my life.  For multiple reasons, I cut a lot of things out of my life.  Mainly because I didn’t know how to deal with them.  Now, I am working on facing them and trying to figure out who I am.  Being almost 30, I figure its about time I sort all of this out, so my next 30 years aren’t filled with wasted time!