Love Is All You Need

There are a lot of people that I have lost in my life.  Whether I lost them to distance, or time, or death, I always feel as if a part of me has changed. I got the spend some time with people that I lost to time and distance, and with some it was as if nothing had changed; others, as if we were virtual strangers.  It's so nice to know that I have those friends that nothing seems to matter.  

Today I lost some one in my life that was not quite a friend, not quite mother, not quite sister, but all three at the same time.  She was some one who was able to be anything and everything I needed her to be.  Some one who was so willing to give all of her love to people that needed it.  I know that not everyone has this type of person in their life, and I know that some people who do, don't realize it.    She was the type of women that truly made me want to be a better person.  She challenged me to learn how to accept and love people for the good things they have to offer; to listen to people and understand their unspoken needs.  We all have people in our lives that we respect for who they are, and how they treat people... now its our turn to become that person for some one else!  I am a better person for having known and spent time with Linda Emly.  I know what it is to love completely - and now its my turn.

There's Nothing You Can Say That Can't Be Said

So, I know it has been FOREVER since I last blogged...  I started this blog thinking that I would start at the beginning - give an overview of who I am and where I came from, and who I am... but I felt like I was sounding rather whiny and tired.  I am not that!  At least not most of the time!  lol  


Now, I have finally found some inspiration in my current life to write and share some things that are going on.  I didn't want to make a crafting blog - not what I planned on sharing, but that is part of my life, so I will posting some of the things I come up with.  I didn't want to make a couponing blog - there are a million and that is a lot of work, but that is part of my life - and some fun adventures, so some of that will be incorporated.  Whatever some up in my life, I will start blogging about the here and now. No more whiny Benny! 

Grandpa, Tell Me About the Good Ole Days

When I was a kid I was fortunate enough to have 4 living grandparents.  At the time, I didn’t know how fortunate I was.  My father’s parents had children the same age as my mother’s parents, so they had lived through two generations worth by the time I was born.  I was so lucky growing up to have my grandparents.  They were a haven from some of the bad parts of my childhood.  They were two people that I knew I could count on to take care of me and love me.  Because I had such an important relationship with my grandparents, it’s very important to me that my children have the opportunity to have their grandparents in their lives.  My father has been on the brink, teetering between this world and the next on a few different occasions.  It’s a scary realization that my children may lose a grandfather sooner than later. 

I had the opportunity to talk to a friend’s mother who is in a similar boat as my father.  She is young, much too young to have to face the end of her life, but she is facing it none-the-less.  Just like my father, she has chosen to do what she can to battle cancer and give her family more time.  She has grandchildren and future grandchildren that deserve a grandmother who loves them and so she chooses to fight.  I can’t pretend to know how or why her decisions are made, or what she is about to face, but I do relate to the emotion and love that makes a person choose to live for others.

Until I witnessed my dad’s journey I would have said people fight for their lives and their futures, but now I know, they fight for their children and grandchildren.  Cancer is so scary, and the treatment is even scarier.  Knowing that there will be so many more bad days then good ones, that no matter what the results you can’t come out the same, that treatment doesn’t bring a cure or an end, and still facing what is to come is completely selfless.  I can’t even express how thankful I am that my father has given my children more time.  He has kept himself going long enough to watch my baby girl grow up; take her to baseball games and walks to the park.  He has been able to be there for my son when he needs sword fighting partner, or a horse to carry him around the living room.  

Even though for every 1 good day there have been hundreds of bad days, I wouldn’t give up a single one of them.  Even though my kids have spent more time in a hospital waiting room then most adults I know, I wouldn’t trade a single minute of it.  Even though I know my dad might like to come to a place of rest, I wouldn’t give up a single bad day if it meant we missed out on one of the good ones.  It’s selfish of me – I know, and my kids might not need a grandfather the way that I did, but they deserve one.  I know my dad hasn’t done it for himself and I am forever grateful for that.  

Let There Be Songs to Fill the Air

My father is a musician, unfortunately, not by trade.  He has amazing talent with a guitar.  I grew up taking his skills for granted.  After watching him play, I honestly thought that learning the guitar would be easy because my dad made it look so effortless.  Whenever he thought he figured out a new song, we would play name that tune.   It was awesome getting to hear him play.  Now, that his music has stopped, I appreciate what a gift he had. 

The Music was everything to him.  He rarely watched TV.  He was always playing, always writing something new, always listening to music.  I said in my profile that music has played a huge part of my life.  Not just because of my dad’s music, but because he spoke in song.  He found a solace in the music.  Every time anything big happened, and every time anything small happened, he related to a lyric.  When I turned 16 he gave me a locket with the engraving “May you remain forever young.”  When I left for Oklahoma he gave me a pendant with the engraving, “May the four winds blow you safely home.”  When my parents divorced and everything went from bad to insane, he said to me “This too shall pass.”  When my brother left for the Navy, he said “If you get confused, just listen to the music play.”  The list goes on and on…

I used to hate.  I got mad at my dad and told him that life isn’t as simple as a song.  Lyrics were his way of communicating.  He was never one to talk about his feelings, or be outwardly emotional.  The first and only time I have seen my father cry was at my grandmother’s funeral.  He felt an extreme guilt for how the last few days of her life had gone.  I never realized, until much later in life, that he really believed what he was saying through lyrics.  He may not have had the words, but someone else had already expressed – nothing we can say that hasn’t been said. 

So music has been a struggle for me.  I love the thoughts that my father has conveyed, but I hated that they were someone else’s words…

I wish it were a Sunday..... oh wait....

15 on Sunday – cause that’s my fun day! 

1.            I may be turning 30 very soon, but I don’t feel the least bit old.  I am actually happy to be reaching this milestone, and plan on it being a new direction/start for me.

2.            I have an entirely new perspective on life.  After watching my father struggle through the last 5 years, and seeing the changes that have happened in him (some great, some scary) I have learned to welcome an end to suffering.  Remembering everything that my grandparents went through just emphasizes this new philosophy.

3.            I believe that we all have a responsibility to each other, to help those most in need.  I believe this is a Biblical principle.  I have a really hard time when people of faith fight against supporting our sick.

4.            I also believe that love is the answer.  I have a hard time when people of faith don’t live with love.  To me (and I may be wrong, but this is just how I see it) the way to touch a soul isn’t to tell them they are wrong, it’s to love and value who they are – a Child of God - and let God bring conviction to their hearts.

5.            I happen to LOVE frappucinos!  Carmel is my fav!

6.            There is a shifting happening in my life.  I don’t know where it will take me, or what I am going to do with it, but I know it’s happening… to be continued!

7.            Somehow, I still plan on following my dreams… I know I have to be responsible and all, but I plan on finding a way to make theater my life.  That may just mean I get to be a fan for life, or that I grow up to be a professor, or that I become the world’s most amazing stage manager, or I act in community theater.  We will see.

8.            More often then I should, I think about what might have been.  I think about what could have happened had I made different decisions.  Mainly I think about how my decisions impacted other people, and how their lives may have been changed.

9.            We are having an awesome summer.  Bowling, softball, movies, and a pool – it has been a blast!

10.          My biggest pet peeve ever – when I can hear people eating!  Chewing with their mouth open, slurping, smacking their lips… I just cringe, and wanna puke at the same time.

11.          I have some awesome friends in my life, and I am so grateful to each and every one of them.  I wouldn’t be able to make it through without them.  I learn so much from them and I get so much from them.  I feel blessed that they are in my life and can only hope to be everything to them that they are to me.

12.          I want to be artistic.  I am having to face the fact that I do not have an artistic bone in my body!  No matter how hard I try to change that, it just isn’t going to happen! 

13.          I am loving my life, as imperfect and far from what I thought it might have been, I LOVE IT! 

14.          My heart breaks for people that are going through some of the things I went through as a younger adult.  It kills me that people I love believe they are not what they should be, that they need to be something else. 

15.          This was way harder than I thought it was going to be… fifteen things about myself are hard to think about…

WAR GAMES version 2

For my few but faithful followers, a game!  I love games.  Make as many words as you can from the letters in my name.  One point for each word, two points for words over 5 letters.  You have 2 minutes - be honest.  Post your list below!  I used both last names, so there were more options.... and besides, its my legal name...

BENNYLEETOTTERREASCH

I'm Starting With the (Wo)Man in the Mirror

I spent a lot of time trying to be what people told me I should be.  Don’t get me wrong – they were all my decisions, I just based my choices on what other people said was right, not what I truly thought was right.  I went to a very conservative college where there was an expectation for women to behave, and dress, and socialize in a very specific manner.  Now, I am not saying those beliefs are wrong.  What I am saying is that while I was there, I didn’t understand how to decipher who I was from who I was expected to be. 

I remember one cold December day…  I have to kinda set this up, so bare with me…  The campus had a sidewalk path that circled the main building and led to the other building on campus.  I was on one side and a friend of mine was on the other side.  He hollered across great divide to me, asking about when I was going home for Christmas Break, when I was coming back, if I would deliver some presents to his family back home (we were from the same state).  We were loud, goofy people so we were bantering back and forth, joking around and still a good distance apart.  We were the only people outside at the time.  Everyone else was inside enjoying warmth and dinner.  In the middle of our conversation the Dean of Women came out of the administration building.  She heard us, and immediately I knew I was going to hear about it… Long story somewhat shorter, I was summoned to the Dean’s office the next day.  I got the lecture about how a lady behaves and shouldn’t through herself at a young man.  She assumed I was hot for the guy and trying to hold his attention in any way I could.  She also let me know that I was never going to marry him because of how lacking I was, however he was no prize and I needed to save myself for some one better then him (talk about mixed messages!).  For the record – he was “secretly” seeing some one – not me – and I was not interested.

Anyway, at that time, I took it all really hard.  I was trying so hard to fit into the mold that I was told I needed to be.  At that time, I wanted to find myself a husband that I could be worthy of.  I didn’t think I was worthy of anyone the way I was.  SO I tried to be someone else.  I was completely miserable.  I had a few really good friends, and few people that I could be myself with but for the most part, I spent my time trying to be a clone of the women they told me were excellent examples.

Now, all of that said… when I left that college, my heart was broken.  My spirit was crushed.  I had decided that I wasn’t going back, but didn’t know what to do with myself at that point.  The plan was to go to another similar school (I know right?!)  but because of health issued, I couldn’t go.  So I kept doing what I was doing.  Until, I realized the people I was working so hard to be like were not the people they said they were.  I mean, I know perfection isn’t attainable (although I am getting close ;)) I was so conflicted that I ran away.  Not the most mature thing ever – I know, but still.  I found a job far enough away that I wasn’t expected back. 

It’s taken me a long time to even be able to address this uneasy and the insanity I feel about that time in my life.  For multiple reasons, I cut a lot of things out of my life.  Mainly because I didn’t know how to deal with them.  Now, I am working on facing them and trying to figure out who I am.  Being almost 30, I figure its about time I sort all of this out, so my next 30 years aren’t filled with wasted time!